Posted by: joleese on: October 20, 2009
I’ve literally been blown away by this morning’s events.
After getting in to work this morning, I noticed that my speech was slowing down and there were considerably more repetitions interjecting themselves in front of words I was trying to say.
The next time I opened my mouth to speak the normal stammer had disappeared to present only grunty sounds again. This is exactly what I’d been terrified of happening in advance of my interview this week.
Posted by: joleese on: October 18, 2009
After spending evenings avoiding the internet thanks to the abundant exposure I receive during the day working for a web development company, the weekend seems as good a time to catch up with life online as any…
An odd thing happened this weekend, and upon reflection it’s something I’ve begun to notice others doing also. It appears, and I could be completely wrong about this, that people find it far easier to understand my stutter when they can see my facial expressions also.
Posted by: joleese on: October 13, 2009
I’ve been particularly bothered the past few days by a couple of discrete incidents which upon reflection are part and parcel of the same issue.
The issue being a leech; a succinct definition ascribed by a friend when I rather inadequately tried to explain how I’ve been feeling about my stammer becoming part of my identity without my consent. It’s pretty accurate actually.
Posted by: joleese on: October 9, 2009
I’ve been lax.
Moreover, I’ve been lacking; in motivation primarily, although in unity with a lack of connection to the internet (thanks must go BT broadband for continually disappointing me), without which I would have had to take full responsibility for have not written sooner.
And I feel bad about it. Writing has taken on almost a form of therapy (cue the violins…) in the absence of obtaining physical support from the medical profession.
There’s only so many times you can get discharged from clinics without starting to think that perhaps you might smell a bit. Well, if only that was the reason.
Posted by: joleese on: September 29, 2009
I’ve had a frenetic few days really, and not the time nor space to really make any sound decisions.
Often it feels as though life carries you along like a tide, while you drift further away from your destination without the control to bring yourself back on course.
After a fabulous family wedding back home and a zippy catchup with my sister and her children this weekend, we were back on the road winging our way back to ordinary life to churn out job applications and amended CVs for imposed deadlines.
It’s so odd that visiting home in Southport feels such worlds apart from our life in Leicester, but a relief in some respects that it’s a world we’re to return to imminently.
Posted by: joleese on: September 23, 2009
That’s what the letting agent said. She didn’t elaborate.
It did make me think though; what if we all have a different idea of what a stammer should sound like, and what the behaviours and triggers are for a “nomal stutter”?
What’s become an everyday norm for me seems somewhat severe and extreme in some people’s eyes, and for others due to its nature doesn’t qualify as a stammer.
Posted by: joleese on: September 18, 2009
Finding somewhere to live or getting a job?
Bearing in mind that a finite timescale is involved before I leave my current job to go home, and that jobhunting isn’t a particularly fruitful activity at the best of times especially in the current climate, it seemed prudent to start working to resolve both challenges.
Posted by: joleese on: September 16, 2009
That’s what it says on the job specification. That, and every other spec of about a hundred that I’ve looked at.
I never thought that job hunting back home was ever going to be easy, especially in the midst of a recession; but I also hadn’t anticipated having my normal speech taken away from me so swiftly either.
Posted by: joleese on: September 12, 2009
Somehow, yesterday managed to be one of the most truly awful and awesome days imaginable. I’m still not entirely sure how. But I’m relieved, completely relieved that it’s over.
So I had my neurology appointment to get to, which was a mission in itself. I cowardly wimped out of tackling that bloomin’ big hill on my bike up to the hospital again and decided to get the bus instead.
Well, I didn’t realise until I was halfway there to the bus stop that I was going to have to tell the driver where I was going. You just don’t think about these things, do you? I’m just so used to being able to do it without a second thought.
Posted by: joleese on: September 10, 2009
So it’s not exactly been a fun few days, I’m not going to lie.
The robot voice deteriorated into speechlessness again, and I’ve spent the last three days having to write on scraps of paper to be able to communicate.
Which, you know, on the face of it doesn’t sound so bad, but it’s that kind of isolation like being lost at sea with no one there, so you write letters – except everyone still is there, it’s just they can’t take on board what you’re trying to say.
Events always seem to magnify the patheticness of having to resort to write when you can’t speak. Take, for example, the fact that my bike tyre got punctured.
I needed to have it fixed so I could attend my neurology appointment today – without it, I would have had to try to speak to a taxi or bus driver. Neither, I imagine, would have been particularly successful attempts.
Posted by: joleese on: September 8, 2009
Seriously, my brain’s having a right giggle at the moment.
My speech hasn’t been great today. Much harder to get words out than usual, but really oddly since leaving work to come home it’s slowed right down.
My normally quite speedy stammer (I tend to try to push through all the repetitions quite quickly to get my words out before I forget what I’m trying to say) has become almost robot sounding over the past couple of hours.
Posted by: joleese on: September 5, 2009
Yesterday I was at a wedding (in Windsor incidentally and a great excuse for a trip to Legoland today – which was ace by the way!) and as much as anyone dreads the prospect of meeting a ridiculous amount of their boyfriend’s external family members in one fell swoop, I was just hoping they’d be able to understand me.
Posted by: joleese on: August 31, 2009
I know it must sound quite silly, but it’s really been getting to me of late the fact that I can’t sing anymore.
I adore music and find myself compulsively trying to join in with songs, but I just can’t do it anymore.
I’ve almost stopped trying to open my mouth to sing now when I hear a catchy tune, as subconsciously it’s finally starting to sink in – but to be honest, the alternative just seems a bit lame.
Posted by: joleese on: August 21, 2009
Where do you turn when no-one knows how to help?
That’s what I’ve been wondering today…if the very people who are professionally most capable of helping to regain my speech and reduce the stammer are ready to pass the buck, then is it likely that anyone will manage it?
I had speech therapy today after about a month of no sessions (she was on holiday etc) and after having been given an assessment in the neurology department at the hospital to determine if there was anything identifiable in the way my brain is now processing information, I’d been quite hopeful that speech therapy might have started to move finally somewhere.
That’s the problem though; I keep getting my hopes up and find them being dashed time and again. This time, by the sad realisation that they’ve simply run out of ideas how to help me.
Posted by: joleese on: August 17, 2009
I’m absolutely livid.
Whilst cycling home from work, a couple of boys threw a rock at me and hit me in the neck. I yelped, but not much more sound came out than that.
It really hurt, and wasn’t a particularly small rock either. What I’m most upset about is I don’t know who I’m more angry with; these prats for hurting me without cause, or my inability to be able to defend myself verbally.
Posted by: joleese on: August 10, 2009
At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
I’m beyond cross. Guess whose speech has gone into hiding again? Bingo! I think someone up there is playing one cruel joke. I really do.
I’ve had a really rough day; the worst night’s sleep on record last night, first day back at work after having swine flu (major shock to the system – I ache all over), rude people ringing up and informing me that “something’s wrong with the telephone connection” when I pick up, and then British Gas…
British Gas and their sodding voice recognition telephone services. Annoying at the best of times, but throw in a severe stammer and that computer’s got no clue what you’re trying to tell it.
Posted by: joleese on: August 8, 2009
…since all this happened now. I’m really starting to struggle to recall exactly when and where various doctor/consultant’s appointments took place; how I got to this position where the stammer isn’t a temporary adjustment, but a fact of everyday life.
Six months, it seems, is a very long time in the NHS. Six months where nothing has really happened. No improvement, just silent resignation.
Posted by: joleese on: August 5, 2009
…but if you can’t sing, can you ever win?
I can’t sing anymore. I’d really like to be able to.
It’s one of the things I miss most since acquiring this stammer. However, singing and stuttering aren’t a match made in heaven – by any means.
What used to make me feel all kinds (elation, serenity, peace), now is just another means of ridiculing me – reducing me to nothing more than a public embarassment.
