stammerheadshark * blog about living with an acquired neurogenic stammer

“Back in to the groove”

Posted on: July 28, 2009

Well, I’m not quite Madonna but things have settled back down again.

No more babysitting, no more lack of internet, no more loss of speech and back to work after a week off.

After my speech disappearing again last Monday, it stayed in hiding until the Friday; and then just magically started to come back again. Sometimes I have no idea what my head is playing at, some kind of jape whatever it is.

I’d bumped into an old school friend when it was reappearing. He was quite tipsy and babbled at me, finally getting round to letting me get a word in edgeways.

Quite obviously I babbled back albeit with grunty speech and a severe stammer, elated as I was to finally be able to get anything out after a week of not being able to verbally communicate with anyone! Although, I’d forgotten that he’d not seen me since I had the accident that caused my speech to change so much.

The sheer look of horror on his face was incredible. He couldn’t get away quick enough.

To be fair, if I was drunk and met someone I’d not seen for ages and they seemed fine until they opened their mouth and then found their speech littered with stutters I’d be surprised too. But it was more the way he responded to it.

He just stood and nodded at me, clearly unable to decipher a single word I was trying to say (and me trying to push out as many words as possible after not having spoken for a week). Quite a laughable situation really.

Well, until he inferred that he couldn’t deal with this right now, he was too drunk and had to go. While I can understand it, I just thought “it’s alright for you – I can’t just walk away from it all”. I guess I shouldn’t be so judgemental, I know how it feels.

On a brighter note, it just feels so great to be able to speak again, even if the stutter’s there. I almost don’t care about the stammer when I’m able to talk again, because as horrible as it is to be lumbered with such a dramatic change to my communication, the bottom line is this; stuttering or not, at least I can speak.

I keep trying to think that this feeling of being grateful for any speech at all is what I need to remember when I feel despairingly of it all in future. Because pessimistic as it sounds, I know it’ll happen again. But rationally I know that if I’ve coped all the other times, that I can cope again – even if it might not feel like it at the time.

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