stammerheadshark * blog about living with an acquired neurogenic stammer

Swine flu and freaky dreams

Posted on: July 30, 2009

Ugh. I really couldn’t feel any rougher right now. It’s been a crappy month, it really has.

Not only have I lost my speech twice (for a week each time), but I’ve gone and caught swine flu too and am now off work until I’m no longer contagious.

Fortunately my boyfriend’s caught it too so at least we’re being poorly together – but when you’re feeling under the weather and neither of you feels like cooking there’s only so much crap food you can eat.

That aside, the symptoms are far worse than the inconvenience… We’ve both had horrendous hot and cold sweats making sleeping a real nightmare. The oddest thing is the freaky dreams I’ve been having, which at the time seemed so vivd – but now all I can remember is the overwhelming feeling of distress.

I should explain, gradually after getting used to my speech being all stuttery I now find that the “me” in my dreams also has a stammer – almost like it’s become part of what identifies her as really being me.

Whatever was going on in my dreams, I forget the exact details now, but the “dream Jo” didn’t stutter for once.

It was so much of a surprise that not only did it interrupt the dream’s narrative for “me” to question why I hadn’t stammered, and other characters relentlessly questioned me too, accusing me of being an impostor – but the culmination of feeling like that woke me up in a bit of a fluster.

I had to try and talk out loud to make sure I still sounded like me, that the stutter was still there.

It’s so odd, after months of wanting it all to go away, wanting to sound like my normal self again, I just felt like it was all too much to have everything change so rapidly back.

I know that it’s what I truly want to happen, but if it ever does happen (I’m still hopeful) it needs to be gradual I think.

It’s been such a shock trying to deal with it and adjust, that for everything to flip back again immediately, after still only really learning to come to terms with the stammer, just all seems too much to cope with.

It’s an odd one; I’m not really sure how to feel about it all – although (un)fortunately it’s not a reality I’m going to have to be presented with any time soon.


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