stammerheadshark * blog about living with an acquired neurogenic stammer

The robot voice is back, ladies and gents…

Posted on: September 8, 2009

Seriously, my brain’s having a right giggle at the moment.

My speech hasn’t been great today. Much harder to get words out than usual, but really oddly since leaving work to come home it’s slowed right down.

My normally quite speedy stammer (I tend to try to push through all the repetitions quite quickly to get my words out before I forget what I’m trying to say)  has become almost robot sounding over the past couple of hours.

What’s really flummoxed me is that nothing untoward has happened to trigger this further dyfluency off.

Take for example if I was to say “What are we having for tea?” with my stutter as it usually is, it would come out something like “W-wwwhat aaaare wwwwe hhhavvving fffor tttea?” but it’s slowed right down to stammer on not just every syllable, but every sound. I’m literally stammering out every single letter, and no clue why.

I hate it when I sound like this. I feel like it makes me sound like I’m retarded or something. Because in all honesty, that’s exactly what it sounds like.

My boyfriend’s always been really patient with me, but I just hope for both his and my sake that the speech gets back to its normal stuttery self pretty soon because it’s even harder to understand me than usual.

Similarly to when it disappears altogther, I become a bit of a liability when I can’t really communicate and it puts pressure on him to have to do things for both of us. Not that he ever minds, but it’s just hassle I know we could both do without.

Like the speechlessness I never know how long it will last, how long it’ll take before it returns back to normal. Although “normal” now is with a severe stutter.

I hope it’s gone by the morning because it just makes being at work so much harder. They’ve been so accommodating already since the accident happened, but inevitably whenever my speech gets worse than it already is it means that other people have to pick up the slack on the bits of work I can’t then continue to do. A real pain when your job specifically revolves around communicating.

At least this isn’t a problem they’ll have to circumvent for much longer. I handed in my notice yesterday so that we can go home to Southport when the lease on our house comes up for renewal this November.

I know it’s a positive thing that we’re going home, but it feels scary as hell. Basically as I’ve been discharged from speech therapy in Leicester, there’s very little more help I can access here.

All our really good friends and family, you know “the support networks” that my speech therapist kept referring to, they’re all back in the North West. And along with all of them are other speech therapists who hopefully will have had more experience/success in treating acquired neurogenic type stammers.

To receive their help I need to be living there. So it’s back off home we go.

I’ve been living in Leicester since September 2003 now, it’s been long enough. Although I love my job, it’s not the be-all-and-end-all anymore. I still need help, and there’s not anyone left in this city who’s able to give it through the NHS.

What’s really worrying me though is that in spite of the country being in the midst of a recession, it’s not like masses of jobs are flying around. And any that are available that would pay the rent are unlikely to go to someone who can’t communicate well at the best of times, and frequently can’t communicate verbally at all.

I know it’s really negative, but I just think that on face value it’s unlikely that someone’s going to want to employ me. They’ll see the stammer and nothing more. That’s what really infuriates me. Because I am something more. A lot more.

I’m capable and I work hard, but that identity is vastly overshadowed by this wholly inadequate speech now. Hopefully someone, somewhere, will be able to look beyond that though, recognise my skills, and take the chance to give me a job.

Fingers crossed.

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1 Response to "The robot voice is back, ladies and gents…"

Were still here! hopefully we are in your support network! always here!

lots of love

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