stammerheadshark * blog about living with an acquired neurogenic stammer

The eternal hope of optimists…

Posted on: September 29, 2009

I’ve had a frenetic few days really, and not the time nor space to really make any sound decisions.

Often it feels as though life carries you along like a tide, while you drift further away from your destination without the control to bring yourself back on course.

After a fabulous family wedding back home and a zippy catchup with my sister and her children this weekend, we were back on the road winging our way back to ordinary life to churn out job applications and amended CVs for imposed deadlines.

It’s so odd that visiting home in Southport feels such worlds apart from our life in Leicester, but a relief in some respects that it’s a world we’re to return to imminently.

While we were home it was overwhelming to find so many friends and relatives so hopeful and trusting that good things will come, that life can be turned around, and that I might recover my ordinary speech again and that the stammer and speechloss would be gone.

It’d be easy to suggest that it was merely naivety on their part, an ignorance of the medical opinion imparted already; but honestly, I believe it was neither. People are so ready to have faith without rationalised thought, partly – I feel – out of both want and need. And there really isn’t any shame in that, it’s just something I struggle to resign myself to.

It becomes terrifying to constantly hope for a change that you are repeatedly informed is near impossible. Although, perhaps that continuity of hope in the face of scepticism demonstrates an alternative strength, and not – as I’d previously believed it to be – a weakness.

I’m not speaking of religious faith (of which I have none), but of optimism – a concept I’d thought might have been an attribute others recognised in me, but now can see just how much of a pessimist I’d become. I’ve needed to believe that the neurologists and speech therapists are right in their diagnoses that this is a permanent state in order to be able to carry on as normal.

These friends and family members who sought to buoy my confidence that the stammer may just magically disappear in the future may be wrong, they may be delusional, but above all they care.

And honestly that’s what resounds from this entire experience, that the people who matter have reached out and reassured that life will be alright in the end.

No doubt the next few months will be difficult financially after moving home in November, but I will find work and there will be somewhere to live – because there has to be.

And if I can have faith that these things will happen, then perhaps it’s not such a betrayal of my resignation to this acquired stammer to dare to hope it might just go away.

Here’s hoping…

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